With due credit to Birdwalk Farm as the sender - here goes:

Etiquette For The Modern Pup: 1.)   Do stalk and attack your sibling when he/she is engaged in the act of Number Two .. it's so hilarious to see them plop  down in their own poop. 2.)   Be well-mannered and walk over to the newspaper on which to do Number One. Wait for Master's praise ... and then do a soft- shoe shuffle in the middle of the puddle.  Watch the smile disappear from Master's  face. 3.)   Never ever do Number One or Number Two on dirtied newspaper. It is simply not hygienic. Wait for clean newspaper to be spread in the box, then do Number one. Wait for Master to clean up and spread fresh newspaper. Thenb you can do Number Two. Wait again for Master to clean up and spread fresh newspaper. Then rip it to bits. Then wait for Master .....    4.)   Never be loud during the day time. Wait for 3 o'clock in the morning and then start up a game of "who can wail the loudest." When Master comes to inspect, pretend he's a burglar and attack his bare feet and shins. Go for the ankle, if you can, and watch Master perform his version of the soft-shoe-shuffle-in-a-puddle. He is getting nearly good enough to audition for a Broadway dance show.  5.)   Table manners are for sissy dogs. Slurp as loud as you can. Stand two feet in the  bowl for a better reach. Burp as loud as you can. Bump everyone out of the way. Better still, bump them into the bowl because all the porridge will stick to their fur which you can later lick off  them. > 6.)   Show that you are a connoiseur of fine foods. Spit out whatever is new and strange. Or pretend to choke. That will get the Chef's attention!  7.)   Liven up meal time. Introduce Cabaret a la carte. Here's how. Quickly gobble yourself full and then, while your  siblings are still eating, stalk them and bite their tails and watch them nosedive straight into the porridge.  8.)   Be polite with sleeping space. Allow all your siblings to snuggle up against one another and only then do you climb on top of them .. much softer, much warmer and no one will poke a paw in your face.  9.)   After a meal, groan as though you have  wind or severe tummy cramps. That is a sure way of getting yourself picked up for a rub and a cuddle.

Gardening Tips For The Modern Pup: 1.)   Refuse to have a close encounter with lawn unless it has been mowed short.
You'll look as a poor imitation of Nureyev or Fonteyn as you leap and pirouette from  one spot to another to escape the long
 grassblades which tickle your pads.  2.)   Show that you are a connoiseur of all  things bright and beautiful. Head straight for the flower bed, especially if that's where the winter bulbs are in full pride. Their leaves are soft and juicy. And so what if you (acidently, of course) trample the long-stemmed tulips into pulp .. a tulip is a flower is a flower is a flower.  3.)   Explore the vastness of the garden ..  especially those tight little nooks and crevices where you can get stuck head first. This is where you practice and
 perfect your most heart-rendering cries.  4.)   Search out the muddiest spots. A white puppy pelt is for sissy dogs. You don't
 want to look like a sissy dog, do you? Sit in it, roll in it, paw it, eat it. Push your siblings into it.  5.)   Weed the garden. Especially get rid of the clover. Accidently swallow some of the clover. Don't vomit immediately .. wait  till you get back to newly freshened-up
 puppy box.  6.)   Howl to be taken back to the puppy box. When Master does take you there, howl to be taken back into the garden.  7.)   Head straight for the unfenced swimming pool. Watch Master run the 100 meters in Olympic record-breaking time.
 8.)   Inspect the garden hose. in time to come, you'll find it most entertaining to shred the thing to bits.  9.)   Ditto for the nice yellow plastic watering can, Master's gardening shoes, the hand spade and fork, the (very, very) expensive micro-irrigation system ...

 How To Get Even With Humans Who Don't  Want To Play With You All Day And All Night  1.)   Haul yourself over the ledge of the puppy box. Do Number Two right in the doorway of  the puppy room. Go hide in a corner where you howl as loud and as long as you can. Master will come to investigate. Master  will step into Number Two.  2.)   Do the above at 3 0'clock in the morning when Master will rush barefoot to your aid.  3.)   Beg for a game in the TV room. Wait for  the telephone to ring. When Master leaves the room to answer the phone, yank the table cloth off the coffee table. With it, yank off the mug of coffee, Master's favorite strawberry-flavored Italian wafer biscuits and Master's newspaper. Don't chew the Italian wafer biscuits. Crush them into the knotted, virginal white, pure wool carpet. Trample and tear the other objects. Never, ever repeat in decent company those words Master used when he returned!  4.)   While still in the TV room, pretend to fall asleep. When Master reads the remnants of his newspaper (point 3 once again). You might not be able to retrieve all the crumbs, but your slobber and gob  will dissolve the crumbs into a pink paste which you can smear into the fibres which will help liven up that old rug.  5.)   Mob Master when he steps into the puppy box to tidy up. Split into two strike teams. Half the pups must attack one shoe,  the other half go for the second shoe.     Watch Master trip. Watch Master fall into various Number Ones and Number Twos.  Master's mouth ought to be scrubbed with
strong soap to clean it after saying all those dirty words.  6.)   Put the most innocent expression on your  face. Master will think you are soooo cute  and will pick you up. Snuggle into his neck. Give contented little grunts. Then strike like lightning and attack those ears! Master was, in any case, in need of  plastic surgery .. and lots of it, too.

Puppy Etiquette On Visiting The Vet:  Rule  #1   You'll be going for a drive in Master's car to the surgery. Master's car has black leather upholstery. Black leather tastes nice. Chew it. Hear Master use those horrible words once again ... it must be      directed at the idiot drivers around him?  Rule  #2   You were wiped clean and brushed before you were put in the car. No self-
 respecting dog wants to look like a Mommy's baby. Wait for a sibling to do a Number One or Two (on the black leather
upholstery) and go trample/squat/roll in it. Now you'll look (and smell) the part.  Rule  #3   Howl all the way to the surgery. If Master
 turns up the volume of the car radio, it's not because he wants to drown out the  backseat chorus, it's encouragement for you to howl louder.  Rule  #4   On arrival at the surgery, insist on being attended to immediately irrespective of  how many other creatures have been queing up long before you. How? Stalk the Old Lady's parrot. Watch the parrot squawk.  Watch the Old Lady squawk. Watch the nurse  put you at the top of the patient list.  Rule  #5   Insist on going in to the vet's examination room all at once. Immediately do a Number One AND a Number Two on the  clean floor.  Rule  #6   Howl to be picked up. Lick the vet in his face. Nip the vet's nose. Also nip his ear while you are at it. Watch the vet pretend he likes puppies.  Rule  #7   Howl to be put down. Go explore. Explore equals chew. Chew the paper roll, the casters on the chair wheels, the legs of  the examination table, the door, the vet's shoes, Master's shoes, your siblings' tails and ears, more of the paper roll ...  Rule  #8   Show your disgust when the vet pokes his  finger in your mouth. Vomit all over him. Watch the vet pretend he doesn't mind.  Rule  #9   After examination you'll be returned to the car where you'll be left all alone for  a while so that Master can go wash down  the floor in the examination room and  bribe the vet to agree to remain your vet. This is your chance to chew some more of  that black leather upholstery (or what's left of it). Rule  #10   Sleep all the way back home.

 Ten Ways To Take Revenge On The Two-Legged Ones: 1.)   Wait till after the garden service has cleaned up and manicured the lawn and then go do a gang poop on it.  2.)   Refuse to eat your meal and persist until  you get fed with a spoon .. and don't rush  the chewing and swallowing!  3.)   After you've been bathed and dried and groomed for the dog show, go scavenge amongst the shrubbery in the garden for something really yucky and smelly and roll in it.  4.)   Pull out the computer plug. (This is what  they call "sweet revenge").  5.)   Slobber over the TV screen. (Another form of "sweet revenge").  6.)   Develop blocked anal glands and insist on sitting on the front passenger seat when  you get driven home after your visit to  the vet to have them cleared. The smell is guaranteed to stick to upholstery for at least a week.  7.)   Develop a hot spot on the crown of your  head which necessitates a marine-style haircut for easier treatment .. do this two weeks before a major dog show.  8.)   Start a wrestling match over toys but do it loudly and at 2 o'clock in the morning.  9.)   Chew the garden hose ... but chew it  across the length of the hose. 10.)   Pretend to pose patiently for a photograph and at just the right moment, squint your eyes or stick out your tongue  or drop flat or walk off or cock your head or ...

Eventually we must all someday face losing our beloved buddies. Early in the summer of 1999 very dear people to me lost their German Shepherd, Heidi, to an accident. It was swift but left Kris, Heidi's best buddy, totally devastated as can be imagined. I tried to help Kris through this time, and in doing so asked the people on the cockapoo mailing list if they would help by either sending Kris a note or perhaps just saying a prayer for her and her family. Many people came forth, but one fellow in particular shared a story that we thought might help us all, both now and when we must too cherish the memories instead of being able to make them. Peter and Kris have agreed to let me add the story here.

        "As dog owners, as well as parrot, bunny, and fish owners, we feel  your loss. We lost a parrot after having him for many years. His name was Mork, from the TV show "Mork & Mindy". Although very tame and his wings clipped, one day while outside, the wind caught him and took him to the tallest tree in our yard. He was so frightened, that he wouldn't come down. Although he remained in the neighborhood for several days, he ended up flying to a small forest in town. For over a month while he roamed the forest, all of us would visit him everyday to say "Hi", hoping that he would fly down and come home. (We could easily find him as he would return my calls with his distinctive parrot squawk.) He found food, however, and became accustomed to the area, and then became afraid to return to us. One day though, when my cousin Dana saw  Mork up in a small tree near his back yard, Dana held up a Granny Smith apple for Mork (his favorite treat). When Mork swooped down to get the apple, Dana caught him and put him in his cage!
        We were all overjoyed and so thankful to my cousin for catching him for us. We thought, could it be the hand of God that helped Dana catch him? Well, when I looked at the calendar, I realized that Mork had been out in the wild for exactly "forty days and forty nights", during some good weather, but also for many rainy days! The message was clear, after exactly forty days and forty nights, we knew that it was God who had helped Mork and helped us, for if he had stayed in the wild much longer, he surely would have  perished.We had Mork for 12 years after that until we lost him suddenly to illness. He had given us much joy during all those years and we were filled with sorrow to lose him. My wife and I, along with our three children, held a small funeral service for him in our yard, right under the tree that he had flown to on "Day One" of his adventure. We played the song "The Wings Beneath My Wings" for him that day, which was so appropriate.
        While my story has a not-so-happy ending like yours, it was the happy times we had together with Mork that we talked about that day when we lost him, and that we've reminisced about ever since (such as the times when he would walk through the house, and up the stairs to go to bed at night!). Although you and your family feel pain and sorrow for Heidi right now, I know that for many  many years, you and your family will be talking about all of the  happy and fun times you had with her. And remember, that's why God originally brought her to you on Christmas 1994. Heidi, as well as you and your family, are in our prayers.
     With sympathy,      Peter, Leslie, and Chris, Jonathan, & Caitlin Teague"

1. Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joy ride.
2. Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
3. When a loved one comes home, always run to greet them.
4. When it's in your best interest, always practice obidience.
5. Let others know when they've invaded your territory.
6. Take naps and always stretch before rising.
7. Run, romp and play daily.
8. Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.
9. Be loyal.
10. Never pretend to be someting you're not.
11. If what you  want lies buried, dig until you find it.
12. When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.
13. Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
14. Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
15. Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
16. On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.
17. When you are happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
18. No matter how often you are criticized, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout. Run right back and make friends.
 

From Chicken Soup for the Pet Lover's Soul, 1998.

Last updated 2/28/00           1998-99,  G.Thompson